On life

So tired, I am, of protecting oneself. People think I'm depressed or what, like suicidal? I won't commit myself to it. I can't, I'm not that brave. I think brave is not the word here. Maybe it's cos I cherish my life enough to think that, no matter what happens, God will be there to help me. Only He can save us from ourselves. You know, everything is meaningless. The struggle of good against evil, fighting temptation. I only seek to maintain a sense of integrity. I don't see it as an obsession. It's about living life well, the way it's supposed to be. In all gratefulness of how the world is made, and what it has to offer. It's such an amazing thing to take in the sights and sounds. In the end, it's all meaningless, yet, there is a sort of peace that comes with enjoying the beauty in all comers of the world. You know what I am really troubled about? The material world. I used to own lots of things, travel everywhere, eat everything. But then I realised that I didn't quite enjoy all those things that much. I discovered that I can do just about anything, where I am, and just immerse myself in the present. The now. Feel the emotions run high, or low, or be neutral about my feelings. It gives a certain kind of acknowledgement, an understanding of how I feel about certain issues, the weather, the surroundings. It's wonderful being able to discover the me that I am. What I like or dislike. Somehow, I've gotten over detesting anything. I have passed the stage where there is anything to detest. For it is a strong word to use. It's interesting discovering and making sense of the world everyday of my life. I'm like a child again, looking at the people around me and seeking to go under and discover their core, what makes them unique. I don't see why I should grow to leave the child that I was. That I still am. But with more insight as the years go by. I used to draw a small house, with a small garden. that's all I wished for as a kid. Something small. But then, nobody told us about mortgages. And all I thought was, I would one day earn enough money to buy myself a nice little cottage. with a little garden. That I thought to myself, I can manage easy. But then friends now live in big houses. and talk about big things, like their travels and the foods they eat. It's about bigger, better, richer lifestyles they can afford. Or can they really afford it? I have friends who live in little houses, that they can't afford either. what is affordability? How can we measure that? by which yardstick do we measure what we can afford? Is it 25 percent of your income? or 60 percent? perhaps 90 percent? It's a gamble, isn't it.